Blah. Blah. Blah.

i miss him... ALOT. family life, school, and work havent been the best lately and i could really use a hug...
i hate telling people stuff like this because it makes me feel vulnerable, and thats the worst feeling in the world. it makes me sick. i hate that he makes me feel that way. but he hurt me bad before, and im really trying to let go. you can't move forward in a relationship if your stuck in the past, no matter how bad it hurts.
i always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.. but sometimes that can be hard. especially if youve been betrayed before. we just have to learn that people are ALWAYS going to hurt us.. no matter what. we just have to belive them and hope that they have changed their ways.. after all honesty is the best policy.
the truth is though.. no matter how much  of the truth someone tell us we don't know what happens behind closed doors. rumors are rumors, the truth is truth, but no matter what we never know the whole story.
poeple have secrets, reasons they do the things they do. when i see something i think is wrong i think,,, what would make them want to do that? what is their secret?.
i learned something very important walking by the outside of a primary class.. you cant judge people by what they do. you can only do what you know to be right and choose to follow that, and love others regardless of what they do.
Everyone does things differently we are all unique in our own ways. its what makes us special.

Letter's To God

I watched a show a while ago. it was a real eye opener. you should watch it. i promise its worth your time "letter's to god" is the name.

its a show about a boy who has cancer, and everyday he writes a letter to god and sends it in the mail. the mail man begins to read them and it completely changes his life. 

since this movie i have written many letter's to god, but never sent them. right now though i would like to write a blog a letter to god.

Dear God,

things arent going the way i had planned. then again your plan is whats going to happen, but i guess thats life. you expect it to go one way and it changes. it can change in a blink of an eye. or slowly, so slow you dont even notice its changing. and then it changes and your too late. heavenly father, life hasnt been very easy lately, but then again when is it. life is suppose to be hard. it helps us grow as people. lifes been hard on my brother lately... really too hard.please help my brother heavenly father. just make it easier for him in some way. anyway  and let me know how i can help. heavenly father i dont know how much more he can handle. he walks around like a zombie, irritated at the slightest things. he has become so numb that he doesnt seem to feel anything. i think it makes it harder for him to feel your presences. what kind of world is it that we live in. where when we go to school we are constantly at war, with the devil or friends. maybe even our own self image. we are amazing just the way we are and i think its hard for us to realize that. we need to love, honor, and respect ourselves. there is not one other soul like us out there and we are each different in our own unique way. i havent felt very unique lately. infact i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. i always feel like im trying ot be someone else. and im sick of it i just want to be myself again, but i dont even know what that is. constantly these questions repeat in my head. who are you? why am i here? am i really my own person, do i have great worth? how do you find yourself again when you've completely lost who you were?  i just dont know what to do. i miss alot of people right now heavenly father. like adam. i wish he wouldnt have moved away. its weird not living ten minutes away. i miss him so bad, please let me see him soon. i miss tiffanie.. i wish i didnt have to only find out about her life through facebook and her blog. i miss seeing her everyday like in 9th grade. she was the only friend i had, and i dont think she will ever realize how grateful i am for that and how big of an effect she had on my life. i miss my grandpa all the time. especially when im having a hard time. i just know if he was here i could go talk to him and he'd know what to do. tell him i say hi and that i love and miss him deeply. please help my best friend heavenly father.. she needs to get to school on time. id really like to graduate with my best friend. my family seems to be falling apart, but i take it day by day. i keep my head up and pray each day will be better. heavenly father thanks for all the comfort you give me. i feel it all the time lately, and ive needed it everytime. im glad you know what i need and want cause i sure as heck dont. heavenly father please bless my cousin.. well of of my cousins but this one imparticular. help him to get his life straight. he could really feel your love as well. heavenly father its late and im tired.. its time for bed. but heavenly father... thanks for that you do.

i say these things in the name jesus christ amen.



No One Knows My Name

Sometimes I cry to relieve my stress, and it feels good. Right now is one of those times..  Today has been an eventful day full of not so great things. I feel like they've been all my fault too. I was told it was my fault and it's hard to realize that your the disappointment when you feel others have been the disappointment to you. I'm so sick of family issues, friend issues, homework, school, and this pain in my back that has crippled me.. I can't even walk properly. All I really wanna do is just give up. I'm done with all this. I don't wanna solve these problems anymore cause it's not getting me anywhere. I just wanna leave this place and go somewhere where I can start fresh. This song describes my every emotions. Boston by Agustana  In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun... Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed, This world you must've crossed... she said... You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah, She said You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah, Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across An open field, When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry When they see you She said... You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah, She said You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah, She said I think I'll go to Boston... I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name, I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain... Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset, I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah, You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah Where no one knows my name... Where no one knows my name... Boston... No one knows my name.  Truth is I miss him alot today and I could really use a hug. It's weird not having him here everyday like how it was last year. I guess it could be a good thing, but bad at the same time. Things are definitely different now. We have both grown a bunch since last year. We are so much closer now and are constantly showing the other we care. I wish he wasn't so far but it makes me miss him more and realize how much i really do care about him. I can't wait for him to go on a mission. He will be a cute missionary..

Obsession...

Lately im obsessed with one tree hill.. i wanna look like brooke davis and i wanna be smart and say quotes like them too... i love oth.. i need to by the seasons so i can watch it everyday(:

i would kill to be as gorgeous as this...

Plus her and lucas are too cute together. ive been watching clips on youtube all day..

i love quotes off oth as well.. like these
-“Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when you let down a friend. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change your own ways.
But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did -- but, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say that could've save someone that we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way."

-“Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.”

-If you could go back and change just one thing about your life, would you? and if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? or break the heart of another? would you choose an entirely different path? or would you change just one thing? just one moment. one moment that you always wanted back..

-Do you ever wonder if we make moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us?
-Happiness comes in many forms.
In the company of good friends,
in the feeling you get when you make someone else’s dreams come true,or in a promise of hope renewed.
It’s ok to let yourself be happy,
because you never know how great that happiness might be.
Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life,
that you expect it to always be there,
because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t.
But then one day you feel something else.
Something that feels wrong only because it’s so unfamiliar,
and in that moment you realize you’re happy.

-There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

-What's more important? What we become, or how we become it?
-Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life and not know it.
Lucas Scott

-At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.

-People are going to disappoint you, I get that, I kind of expect that but, what happens if one day you wake-up and realize you are the disappointment

-Why do relationships have to be so hard?
......'cause the only thing harder is being alone
Peyton Sawyer

-Realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure your still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.


-Its been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while there happening…we grow up complacent with ideas or things or people and we take them for granted an its usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you realize how wrong you’ve been…that you realize how much you really need it…how much you love it
Nathan Scott

-I gave you my heart.
That's all I give you.
And if that's not enough for you,
I'm not enough for you.

-Nathan, it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. And, that word is love, and I believe that. It doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. It just means that I found a stillness and bravery in myself with you. You make me brave and I will love you until the end of time. This I vow today.

-Why is it that it's so much easier to forgive a stranger than someone you love?

-we dont choose who we love... it just happens
Haley James Scott

-And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely...

-I wanted you to fight for me. And tell me that you would rather be alone than with anyone else!

-I'm not the most eloquent speaker, so I thought I would borrow a few words from Shakespeare. 'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.' When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same.
I look at Nathan and Haley and some how I feel safer. I don't know if I can explain that, but they give me hope. And, I'm afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it'll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame.
Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything's going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that. So, here's to Nathan and Haley, and here's to hope, and here's to a love that will not alter.
-People who are meant to be together always find a way to each other.
-Girls just want someone who wants them back, At least thats what I want

-There are 82 letters in here, and they're all addressed to you. I wrote them all this summer, one a day, but I never sent them because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. Cause you hurt me so bad and I was afraid to be vulnerable again. I was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. And I know that doesn't matter now, after what I did, but i just thought that you should know. This is how I spent my summer, Luke, wanting you. I was just too scared to admit it.

-'Cause in the end it all hurts just the same.

- How about how you show it? I am not pushing you away, Lucas, I am holding on for dear life. But I need you to need me back, okay? Why didn't you tell me about the kiss? And why didn't you call me while you were away? And why won't you ever just let me all the way in?
Brooke Davis

 love OTH

Be Still My Soul

Be still my soul

Often times through trials I have been comforted by the lord. Several times, tonight for that matter. You may think it's silly but I was scared(haunted barn) tonight. And heavenly father comforted me through that. He is always there to help is even the silliest request. 
I don't share this story with many people but I would like to share it. It us close to my heart and means alot to me.  One night i was awfully upset.. So through my tears I prayed.. In my prayer I said "i miss my grandpa.. I wish i could talk to him now.. I need his comfort." that was the end. And heavenly father answered my prayer. For the rest of that night if i was ever upset my grandpas arms would be around me. 
I have had countless moments like this.. Through out my whole life. This is the reason I KNOW god lives and I KNOW he loves me. And he loves you. He has often calmed my soul and has showed me what to do in my times of need. God gives us trials to help us not to hurt us... Often times he will not make it go away, but it is always okay to ask for help. 

Sometimes god calms the storm... Sometimes he let's the storm rage and calms his child

butterflies..

i finally felt them agian... i missed that feeling.

This house doesnt feel like a home.

I wanna leave. You tell me stay then do things that only push me further away. The only thing holding me back is my dog. I love him too much to just leave. Even though it hurts me being here. You only tear me down. "according to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I never do anything right" They say parents are right so i guess it's true. I'm useless, I'm the problem, If I was gone everything would be better. I guess that's okay. I can just leave and the problem will be gone. I wish I had a scholarship to BYUI then I would move out because I wouldn't have to save near as much money. Can't they see this is a stressful time for me, and they aren't helping. I need to apply for colleges and scholarships. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE. I need someone to comfort me. So when I have nights like this they can say "that sucks I'm sorry" and just give me a big hug while I cry. It's nights like this I really miss him. I wish he still lived here. After having him for 2 years it's weird that he is gone. I need someone.. I'm sick of this place. I just wanna leave. 

hmmm..maybe

i feel weird
ive never needed a boy, but i have always had a crush on one
and now that there is no one to even like i feel a little down
i just want a cute boy to have a crush on, but there isnt one
cowboy if your out there you better come find me soon
im getting bored and a little lonley
it just doesnt make sense to me how there cant be a single likable boy at my school
not one
maybe there is one i just havent seen him yet
it is possible im just being picky, but usually im not the picky type
maybe its because i feel nothing will be better then one of my previous relationship so there is no point in looking
but i doubt that too
im sure it will all work out, and itll hit me when im not looking
so ill stop looking
ill stop wishing for someone to like
and then maybe, but just maybe it will happen
i guess we will see.

What if we treated our Book of Mormons like our cell phones?

Don't you wonder what would happen if we treated our Book of Mormon like we treat our cell phones? What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets? What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it? What if we flipped through it several times a day?  What if we spent an hour or more using it several times a day? What if webworms and hour or more using it every day? What if revised it to receive messages from the "text"? What if we treated it line we couldn't live without it?  What if we gave it to kids as gifts? What if we used it as we traveled?  What if we used it in case of an emergency? Oh, and a few more things- Unlike our cell phones, one plan fits all.  Unlimited usage. No roaming charges. You always have reception. No weak signals AND we don't ever have to worry about our Book of Mormon being disconnected, because the savior already paid the bill!  -author unknown.

Truth is...

Truth is...

 Truth is I'm tired of coming in second 

Truth is I'm sick of not feeling good enough

Truth is I sometimes hurt.. Sometimes a lot 

Truth is I love my friends and family.. Even when they do things that bring me and my confidence down. 

Truth is I want to love everyone and I don't wanna judge

Truth is I like making new friends, and trying to be out going 

Truth is that's the hardest thing for me to do 

Truth is I wanna boy to like I wanna feel butterflies again. that little school girl feeling i love so much 

Truth is I feel alone a lot of the time and like I can't talk to anyone 

Truth is I know I can talk to my savior and that he knows the pain I'm feeling

Truth is I cry... I cry till it doesn't hurt anymore 

Truth is I hide the fact I cry because i am embarrassed  

Truth is I want to be a happy person. I want everyone to think of me as happy 

Truth is that isn't always easy for me to do

Truth is I wanna have fun while I'm still a kid

Truth is I don't wanna grow up and it scares the hell out of me

Truth is I'm thankful the atonement 

Truth is I'm sometimes tempted 

Truth is I sometimes give into temptation

Truth is I'm not perfect 

Truth is I'm only human

Truth is I'm doing the best I can 

live life through laughter.

today i learned alot about life and love.
i learned that life is too short
life can be full of happiness
and that love is unconditional.

on august 24 2011 a 25 year old daughter of god passed away from brain tumors. this beautiful women's name is lindsey kae robinson karr. despite her condition she was still the brightest and happiest girl you would ever see. she was kind to everyone around her and her love was unconditional.
from what i saw of lindsey she wasnt like anyone else.. she was happy no matter what the circumstances and that happiness was shared with others. even when she was ill she served everyon around her in anyway she could. her love was felt by everyone and in return she was loved as well.
at her funeral i had the opportunity to hear so many people talk about her and all the funny memeroies she made. she seemed to always be making everyone laugh. it was hard not to cry at her funeral cause she will truely be missed by all. it really is as if this world wont be the same without her bright eyes and radient smile. 
not only was she a good example to me, but her husband josh is amazing. her mother-in-law told a story about josh. how when he was four he saw his mom sick and wanted to stay home and take care of her. she told us how it was how he has always been, it was like he was meant to take care of her. she needed him and he needed her. she taught him how to love. she taught him what love is, and how actions speak louder then words. he served her as much as possible, and when it was time to say goodbye he learned he how to love her even more.
today was a sad but good day. the spirit was so strong and i know lindsey will be missed, she is loved, and she will be seen again one day. i can't wait to offically meet her. she changed the lives of many she didn't even know. she is the strongest, happiest, most beautiful girl i have ever seen. her influence on others to do good is so powerful. i want to be like her. i want to live life to the fullest, laugh uncontroablly, and love unconditionally.
"I have been blessed with the ability to see the humor in situations. To be able to laugh and to encourage those with me to laugh. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days i when i cry as well. Yet i am able to move past the darker, gloomier clouds in my life and see sunshine. life is not so serious that we cant take a moment to enjoy blessings, or experience gratitude, or see the little funny things that happen on a daily basis. search for the erratic, the ironic, and the slapstick comedy of life. because you know what? Laughter truly is the best medicine." - lindsey kae robinson karr.
the thing i want to take most from lindsey is to live life throught laughter. there is never a good reason to be upset or grumpy so be happy.
R.I.P lindsey kae robinson carr
you will be missed.

her husband josh painted this amazing picture of her.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured-Presidnet Gordon B Hinkley

F.E.A.R.L.E.S.S. hahah

"be fearlesss. if you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. you control this moment. rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. believe in yourself. embrace your beauty. discover a new passion. and whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash."

this years gonna be differnt. i have new expectations of myself. this year im not gonna care what people think of me im just gonna have fun. its my senior year and i want to live it fearless. often times when i hear the word fearless i think of someone who isnt scared of anything, but thats not true. becasue no one is fearless, we all have something that we are scared of. what it means to be fearless is to have courage. to do something no matter how scared you may be. courage is just fear holding on for a minute longer. something i have learned is we should always do what we are afraid to do. it could be being adventerous, or standing up for what we believe in but you should always do it. i dont want to look back on my life anymore and regret not doing the things i was too scared to do them.

just the other night thanks to my friend mareassa i did something fearless. something that i always wanted to do but thought i never would. it was a real eye opener to how i want this next year to be. its my senior year(my last year as a kid) i want to have fun. i want to make stupid mistakes. date LOTS of people. make new friends. not judge anyone. laugh way too much. cry all too little. forget about all the drama. realize that nothing really matters that much. years from now were gonna look back on all this drama and realize it was stupid and there was no need for it. well im ready for that now. i dont wanna grow up, but after this year i know im gonna have to. i will have fun and i wont let drama get in the way of that. i wont hate someone just because one of my friends does. ill be nice to everyone becuase there is never a good reason to be mean.
im ready to let go of everything and move forward being fearless. i want to be young and stupid because we only have one lifetime to do so. im ready to take chances. ready to say love me or hate me thats your choice, but i won't let it effect me. im ready to love myself, and every single person around me. im ready to not be so shy. im ready for this year. its going to be the best and i wont let anything get in the way of that. im gonna move forward being fearless.

and i dont know how it gets better then this

you take my hand and drag me head first

FEARLESS

and i dont know why but with you id dance in a storm

in my best dress

FEARLESS

i think a girl who really understands about being fearlesss is taylor swift. she is one amazing girl. i look up to her so much (as do several other teenage girls) . i love her. so this year i dare you to be daring. i dare you to be yourself, and love everyone regardless of what people think. i dare you to be happy. i dare you to live your life the way you want to.